Kim Jaggers

Kim Jaggers
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Friday, August 31, 2012

Aug 31, 1996...the day my husband died, I think



Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you I have made you and I will carry you.  I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isa 46:4


Sixteen years ago today my husband died…well, I think.   At least this is the date he went missing, but his body wasn’t found until September 5th.   There is so much I will never know.  His suicide left me grasping for answers but, in grasping for answers, I am not alone.  Many of us have faced things in our lives which have left us wrestling for answers.  If we let them, the questions can consume and paralyze us.  Yet, as my mind remembered what this date on the calendar once held, I awoke this morning to a beautiful rainbow.   Once again, right there in the midst of the questions and the pain, there is my God.   He hasn’t given me the answers to my questions; instead He has reminded me over and over of something better than answers --His promises. 


I wasted so much time looking for the answers.  “God, why did that happen?” and “God, could I have stopped it?” I choked through so many “what-ifs” and nearly drove myself and those around me crazy.   Yet God never promised me or you answers.  No, He promises us something so much better than answers, so much more healing…He promises us Himself.   He says “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Deut 31:6).   He says “I am the way, the truth and the life” (John 14:6).   Yes, He means life for eternity… but He also means life for THIS day we are living.   He means hope in the midst of pain.   He means joy in the moments we call life. 


I cannot tell you the date I finally surrendered my need for answers and rested in the promises of God.  But I can tell you the day I gave up my need to know all the “whys” was the day life moved on… it was the day peace and yes, even laughter came.   I wonder how many of you need to lay down your need for answers and pick up some peace.  I wonder how many of you need to decide today is the day to move forward to all the blessings from a God who says His plans for you are “exceedingly abundantly more than you can ask or imagine” (Eph 3:20).   I don’t know what you have been through.  I don’t know what your questions are… but I know God is the answer.   Life can be hard; but God is always, always good.   There is rest when we choose to surrender our need for the answers and walk forward following our faithful God who alone can bring “beauty from ashes” (Isa 61:3). 


Prayer: Father, today I’m trading my pain for your peace.  I don’t have to know why, but I trust that you can use even the hard things in my life for good when I follow you with all I have.  Help me to do just that.  Help me to obey you and rest in the fact that you are good.   I love you Lord.   Thank you for always, always loving me with a perfect love.   May I give you glory…even in the things I don’t understand.   Amen.