Kim Jaggers

Kim Jaggers
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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I despise myself

My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:5-6

I despise myself. I think you should despise yourself too. I know, I know….what about self-confidence and all the psycho-mumbo-jumbo about loving yourself? I have watched Dr. Phil and Oprah too. But have you also tuned into Job? You know the guy in the Bible that had everything bad happen to him? For years, I thought of Job (and secretly compared some of my hard times to his when trying to understand the reason for it all). I thought to myself… all that hard time helped Job grow up in his faith from “hearing about God” to really seeing Him (“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you” Job 42:5). Yet, somehow in all my years of reading God’s Word, I had jumped right past the next thing Job said. It is a very politically-incorrect kind of verse (but you know God is known for telling it like it is and His Word is called “truth”). So anyhow, the verse right after “now my eyes have seen you” says: “I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes” Job 42:6. I finally “saw” this verse the other day and, to be honest, I have to tell you, when my eyes look to my King and then they turn to the person I know I am…I get pretty sick of myself. I know my ugly thoughts, my terrible actions, my stupid sins and I cannot understand why the sinless one, the perfect one, would die for me. I don’t have it in me to fix myself or save myself (and neither do you). In fact, I have nothing to be confident in my self about when it comes to my need for a Savior. When I face the reality of who I am compared to Who He is (The Most High God)…it makes no sense that He would die for me. How else can I respond except to be deeply humbled, despising myself and my sin and turning away from the very things that nailed Jesus to the Cross? My sweet Savior remembers my sins no more… but I remember them with a thankful (no longer guilty) heart knowing I owe Jesus everything.

So what about you? Have you bought into the lies of this world? Have you bought the books on “loving yourself”? Do you “excuse yourself” and explain away sin due to how you were raised or some other card you don’t think you should have been dealt? Have you ever really gotten sick of your full-of-sin self? Have you ever faced the hard reality of just how MUCH you need a Savior? Are you sorry that your past and future sins are what pierced His Hands and His Feet? If you have really “seen” Jesus there is no other response except to despise yourself, ask Him to save you and turn away from sin. If you are His child, you cannot look at Jesus, look at yourself, hear His Word and go away unchanged and unrepentant as if you don’t owe Him EVERYTHING. If you know what you are doing is sin and you keep on doing it without despising yourself … the Bible says you are deceived. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” James 1:22-24. I know what I look like. Do you? But I also know my ugly sin is covered by a robe of white bought with the highest of price--the blood of a The Perfect Lamb. I am redeemed, accepted and called His Child because of what He chose to do. Loving myself doesn’t really amount to a “hill of beans” when I think about how much He loves me!

Prayer: Oh Jesus, thank you. Thank you for seeing me like I really am and still going to that Cross for me. Help me to put away my old, sinful self and live as you would have me live by the power of your blood. You alone are Holy. May I daily give my life to You. May I obey You in all things, and may I live my life with a thankful heart desiring to give You glory. Amen.